I Love You

I taught my children to say, "I love you" two years ago. At the same time, I started saying, "I love you" to them. Yes, children need to be taught how to express love and they also need to be told that they are loved.

This important point, that love is the foundation to a secure child, has been emphasized in many parenting literature that I read. But in true Asian upbringing fashion, I used to prefer other ways of expressing love (which I will elaborate another day) to a direct verbal declaration. After all, we, the traditional Asians, are well-known for our reticence in discussing feelings.

It was not until a new lady colleague joined my department two years ago and I began overhearing her telephone conversations with her children which were sprinkled liberally with "I love you" and "I love you too" that I decided to take a leaf out of her book and apply it to my own children. This new colleague, a Chinese, has a brood of six children whose ages range from new-born to 16 years of age, all of whom are evidently well-brought up. In my books, this new colleague qualifies as a super-parent and I am not ashamed to learn a thing from her or two.

It was not difficult initiating this new practice to Sons No 2 and 3 who were toddlers then. Everynight, I would end my good night with "I love you" and they would do the same. Gradually, "I love you" entered into our list of commonly-used vocabulary. Do I see any tangible change in my relationship with them? Certainly. At times when I have punished or reprimanded them, they would say hesitantly, "I love you" and I would always reply, however angry I was at that point in time, "I love you too". This serves to remind all of us that the basis of the discipline is love.

With Son No 1, well, it was more difficult. Up to today, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times we have exchanged such declarations, and those were earthshaking moments which either preceded or followed significant events of our lives. Different strokes for different folks? Perhaps, but sometimes, I do feel regret that I did not start this practice earlier.