Right Or Wrong? Part 1

My children have been trained - intentionally or otherwise - to ask "Why?". It's not a bad thing, but sometimes it does get you scratching your head for answers. This arises particularly when questions on morality arise. How do we know what is right and what is wrong? As all-knowing Adults, we are guided by our internal compass which we have developed over time and we claim that by instinct, we know what is right or wrong - or so we think. But to a child, this demarkation between right and wrong can be very confusing.

A simple illustration goes like this: Son No 3, playing in the living room, calls loudly for Siti, our maid, who is in the kitchen. Siti comes running hurriedly, wondering what's the emergency - and Son No 3 asks her to scratch his leg. The mosquito bite is really, very itchy.

Our instinctive reaction is to scold him - this reeks the bringing up of a spoilt child. But then, when Son No 3 asks, "Why (is this not right)?", it throws us off-balance because to us, it is just so obvious that calling the maid to scratch the itch is ... well, decadent. But it is not obvious to the child at all why this behaviour is "not good". At 5 years old, he does not comprehend why Siti can help him clean his backside but Siti cannot help him scratch his leg - he is not being deliberately spoilt - he just doesn't know better. So it's good that he asks, "Why?" so that we at least know what is confusing to him and not take things for granted. In this case, the answer is simple - if he can do the things himself, he should not call Siti to help him, he should do it himself.

There are some other "truisms" that are more difficult to explain but nevertheless, it's always worth a try. Son No 3 sometimes goes round asking people to give him things. This may happen in Pet Society, a make-believe world, or it may also happen in the real world. Believe me, what he does in the make-believe world is exactly the same as what he would do in the real world. He sees his friend in school possessing a Ben 10 pencil that he likes very much. He already knows that he cannot take it without permission (it's called stealing and the police will catch him). But what if he asks his friend to give it to him? AND the friend willingly agrees? Nothing wrong in asking, right? Willing asker, willing giver.

"You cannot ask other people to give you or buy you things. Only mummy and daddy can buy things for you".

"Why?"

(Not directly answering the question) "Others like popo (grandma) can buy things for you but you cannot ask them to buy things for you".

"Why cannot-uh?"

Err... "We don't want them to spend their money..." (Not the best answer but still....)

"OK, what if the friend WANTS to give me things?"

"No, even if the friend wants to give you things, you cannot take them".

"Why? Not even a sweet?"

"OK, maybe a sweet is okay. But not if it's from a stranger."

"If popo gives me a sweet, I can eat?"

"Yes."

"What if Faidu wants to give me a pineapple?"

"You mean, like in Pet Society? Then it's okay."

"What if Faidu wants to give me ALL the things in his house? Hahaha!" (For some reason, he is tickled by the thought:))

There is no end to the queries... the rules that we set up that day will not cover every eventuality. Can he take a sticker that his friend gives him? Is Ping Yee acceptable as a giver? Can he give other people things?

So, in the end, as in all good advice, the rule became... "When in doubt, ask...."

"Ask who?"

There we go again...